“You did see it when you were younger didn’t you.”
“Yes!” She answered.
“Whatever she knows about Christi she can’t know about you. Do you
understand? If you have to deny it forever don’t give in,” I explained.
“You know I won’t! She said promising.
“Christi was that girl that dumped me when I went into the army. Remember
I explained to your family in that story I told your father. Well I
met her about four years ago at her house,” I explained.
“You are in serious trouble,” she said.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes. I need to check on her,” I said, pulling away from her.
I went to the rest rooms and stood outside the women’s waiting for her to
come out. After a few minutes, I asked another woman to check on her.
A second later she opened the door and said there was no one else in here.
I walked around looking for her and not finding her. I went outside
in front of the building searching and saw her sitting on one of the benches
over in the grass with her face buried in her hands. I slowly walked
up to her surveying her actions. I stood quietly a few yards from her
knowing she had not noticed me.
I didn’t know what to say. I was guilty and she and I both knew it.
I wouldn’t deny it either. I could see my whole world was falling down
before me and nothing I could do or say would stop it. It would all
be up to her. I walked to within five feet of her still unnoticed.
“I’m sorry. I love you. Please forgive me,” I said, groveling.
“I want to be alone right now,” she replied.
“I can’t leave. I need to be near you right now,” I said, with tears trickling down my face.
I didn’t care about my punishment or what would happen between us.
My only fear was she wouldn’t love me anymore. I sat on the opposite
end of the bench staring at her. “Please, don’t stop loving me now.”
“I need to be alone right now. Give me the keys. I’m going to
sit in the car for a while,” she said holding her hand out as I handed them
to her.
“Please don’t leave,” I begged.
“I’m just going to sit in the car.”
She got up and walked to the car as I watched her. There were cars
lining both sides of the street and as she walked between two of them to
cross I heard tires squealing and saw her thrown from where she was walking.
“Sue!” I yelled. “Oh God no! Please God! Please God!” I yelled as I ran to her.
The driver was kneeling over her not knowing what happened or what to do.
His headlights were on to where I could see her. Blood was coming from
her nose and ears. “God please don’t let her die!” I yelled as
I pushed him away and knelt over her.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t see her until it was too late!” he said.
“Go call an Ambulance!” I yelled at him.
He ran to the entrance of the club going in.
“I’m sorry Sue. I love you. God please don’t let her die.
Take me God! Please take me!” I continued saying.
Soon people were standing all around as Joni ran up kneeling beside us screaming.
I had Sue’s blood over my face and arms holding her. “Can anyone help?
What do I do?” I yelled.
“A doctor is coming from the club and an ambulance is on the way!” Someone from the crowd said.
“Please God, make them hurry!” I said, crying aloud. The doctor knelt beside me as I heard the ambulance coming.
“Don’t move her at all. Hold her in that position,” he said.
Joni was holding her face crying uncontrollably as I was.
“God let her live and take me!” I said, crying.
The ambulance pulled up and the paramedics moved me away and checked her.
One of them said he had a slight pulse but she had just quit breathing.
They put a mask over her face squeezing it to pump air in her lungs as they
put her on the stretcher and rolled her to the ambulance putting her in.
They were discussing her with the doctor but I wasn’t listening. I
was still asking God not to let her die. They let me in the back with
her but wouldn’t let Joni in saying there wasn’t enough room.
“Sue had my keys. Find them and bring my car to the hospital,” I said, to Joni.
“We are going to the Baptist East!” The paramedic yelled at her.
I watched them as they worked feverishly to keep her alive. We reached
the hospital in five minutes. They immediately took her to surgery.
The doctor with me happened to be an emergency room neurosurgeon off duty.
I wanted to go in but they stopped me and said to wait in the hall.
I paced up and down the hallway praying to God to let her live. I must
have lost my sense of time. Joni and Brad arrived, following a minute
later I saw mom coming down the hall. I couldn’t speak. I continued
pacing the floor. It felt as though there was something in my throat
keeping me from saying anything. Joni was talking to me but I couldn’t
hear her. I became dizzy and fell to my knees. I tried getting
up to sit in a chair but fell again hitting my head on it. I could
hear voices but not understanding what was said.
I felt something sting my nose as I jerked back. The dizziness was
going away and I began breathing heavily. I stood up feeling week as
Brad tried getting me to sit back down.
“Let go of me!” I said, pulling loose from him as I walked around.
My mind was spinning, filled with crazy thoughts. I stopped in front
of Joni. Brad and mom were standing behind her. “If she doesn’t
live, I’m going with her! I’m not afraid to die. Mom, will you
take care of Jay and Lin,” I said, to them and walked away. They said
nothing to me being in shock by what I said.
I walked outside of the emergency room door to breathe fresh air. God
and I both knew I would take my own life. Eventually Jay and Lin would
find out and turn away from me. I didn’t care what anyone else thought.
“You know I wouldn’t threaten you. We both know my punishment should
be death,” I said, looking up to God.
I stood alone outside for hours. I felt someone looking at me every so often. I knew they were checking on me.
“Jay, come in. The doctor wants to see you.” Joni said, standing at the door.
I walked back in feeling numb. The question went through my mind, how
long would it take to get to my Pistol at the house. I walked to where
they were all standing with the doctor.
“Set down son,” he said to me.
“I’m okay,” I said, to him waiting for him to say something.
“We relieved a blood clot on her brain. We repaired several fractures
but she’s comatose. They are preparing to move her to ICU.”
“Come over here doctor,” I said, pulling his arm. I led him several
feet from the others. “Tell me the exact truth. Don’t hold anything
back,” I said, looking him in the eyes.
“Right now she has less than a fifty-fifty chance. If she survives the next twelve hours, her chances get better.”
“What about coming out of the coma, will she?”
“I or anyone else can’t give you that answer.”
“Thanks for being straight with me Doc.”
“You’re welcome.”
“When can I see her?”
“In about thirty minutes in ICU.”
I walked back outside not wanting to talk. Joni came out to where I was standing.
“Jay, what did the doctor tell you?”
“She had a fifty-fifty chance through the next twelve hours. Her chances
would get better after that,” I lied somewhat to protect her.
“Were you serious before, what you said to us?” She asked, not being certain.
“Joni, death isn’t anything to me. If I die, some people will mourn
for a while but soon get over it as I did with my father. We all get
over it unless you’re the cause of it. If she dies, I will have killed
her. It would be the same as if I pulled a trigger and shot her.
My punishment should be death and that is what it will be. The reason
I tell you this is so you will understand why. Don’t mourn for me but
for her. You love life and want to hold on to it. I love life
but I can turn loose of it. I’m going in to see her now. Do you
want to go in with me?” I asked.
“Yes. Mom dad and all the family are coming. They are flying down and will be here anytime,” she stated.
“I’m glad. They should be with her.”
“Jay, no one knows anything. I told everyone you said she had gotten
sick and wanted to go outside and get some fresh air.”
“That’s fine, I know, that’s all that matters. No on else should suffer. Don’t ever tell Christi either.”
“I won’t.”
“When I talked to her she was thinking only of Christi. She knew nothing
of you and I could tell she never suspected you. Do you remember me
telling all of you about my father? How I found out that he had always
forgiven me and said that I had made a stupid mistake? You made a stupid
mistake and you know Sue. She would forgive you so don’t do as I did
and carry it with you. It will destroy you and what you love, as it
has what I love and me. Will you promise me?
“I promise.”
We went into Sue’s room closing the door and stood beside her bed.
I almost got sick looking at what I had done. At this point, I wasn’t
afraid to share my feelings in front of Joni. I knelt down beside the
bed to talk to Sue.
“Since the first night I met you I have worshipped you. However, I
was selfish and took you for granted. We may or may not meet again
after today. They will probably separate us you being the good and
me the evil. I want you to know that no one can love you more than
I do. I ask but one thing. Wherever you’re, please love me.”
Joni knelt beside me putting her arm around me and cried. We stood up and I noticed pencil and paper on the desk.
I sat in the chair and began writing my will.
I Jay Lamour being with a broken heart but of sound mind do leave my children
to my mother and Sue’s mother and father to share custody equally.
I leave a third of my company and full control to Joni Miller and the other
two thirds to Jay and Lin. To all that remains faithful to my company.
Twenty percent of the profit is to be divided annually, to include all who
may participate in the future. Our savings is to be put in trust for
the security of my children. To all my family and friends that loved
me, forgive me if I have ever hurt you. To all those that hate me,
forgive me for hurting you.
Jay Lamour
“Joni, I want you to read this,” I said, handing it to her. She read
it and began to cry and handing it back. I put it in an envelope laying
it on the desk for the doctor to read and sign if he would. Joni went
out allowing Mom to come in. They were only allowing two at a time.
Mom and I hugged for the longest. She and Sue were like mother and
daughter. Mom began talking of how much they enjoyed time together
almost everyday. Sue would sit and talk of me for hours. How
much she missed me when I was away. How she loved to hear me talk and
tell her things about people, and that she couldn’t understand how I knew.
.
“We laughed many times about hiding the fact that you had a son. I
told her to hang in there and you would come to your senses.”
“You were right as always mom. Mom, I want you to know that I love
you. You have been a mom to Sue when she was away from hers.
She loves you so much too. She needed you these years she didn’t have
her mother to talk to and you were always there for her.”
The door opened and Sue’s mom and dad walked in.
“Hi mom and dad,” I said, hugging them. “Mom, this is Jim and Elaine.”
They greeted each other and mom left giving us time together. They
walked to the bed and began crying. “I’ll leave you two alone for a
few minutes,” I said, as Dad nodded.
I walked outside to smoke as Joni followed me.
“I hope we are now just very close friends,” I said, holding her hand.
“Yes, no matter what happens I’m glad we will be just close friends.”
“Joni, I need you to know this. If a miracle were to happen, I know in my heart I would never do that to her again.”
“I know what you’re saying because I have made a few things right with myself,” she replied.
“Thank you for being my friend now,” I said, hugging her.
“I love you too.”
“There is a shoe box in the top of my closet. Call and have someone
bring it to me right now!” I stated. I had not read a few letters.
I wanted to finish reading them. Thirty minutes later Joni brought
them to me.
“I need to be alone awhile,” I said, wanting to read them.
“I’ll be inside if you need me.” Joni replied. I took one out and leaned on the handrail.
December,31, 1969, 12:00,
Happy New Year My Love,
I have locked myself in my room to be alone with you. My family and
friends are downstairs celebrating the New Year together. I told mother
I wanted to be alone and she understood.
I love you so much and I think of you always. Right now, you’re probably
flying over some village. Everyone below has no idea that you’re there
and could care less. I know you’re there and my heart is with you.
Never a minute goes by that I don’t think of you. If something were
to happen to you, I don’t know if I would want to live. If it weren’t
for the one thing I have of you to hold on to, I know I wouldn’t want to.
At this second, I start a new year with you in my heart. I have but
one resolution for this year. I’ll remain yours until you return.
By some means, I feel a joy in my heart at this moment knowing you will return
to love me as I love you. Even so, I know someday in heaven, we will
be together through eternity.
At times, it is hard to understand the power of love. Nevertheless,
I accept it and even nurture it because that is all I have. I think
of that first moment I fell in love with you. I remember lying awake
that first night not able to sleep thinking of you. I remember getting
up early the next morning hoping you would call early not being able to wait
as I had asked you. I still feel those same butterflies as I write
this letter. Though all I have said, it is still not possible to understand
how much I love you. Remember to kiss me in your dreams. I love
you with all my heart.
Yours only, Sue
October 1, 1970, 2:15 am.
To my Short Timer,
I learned that phrase from dad. In less than a month, you will return.
Bess, Jen and I were up late tonight sitting around the table talking about
who knows what. They left about fifteen minutes ago. Again, I
bored them with talk of you. By now, they should be use to it.
Just think, in a month you will be back in the world. I learned that
from dad too.
I’m looking at Jay and he seems to be thinking of you also as he lies asleep.
Each night as I rock him, I tell him about you. If when he sees you
the first time and says “Daddy”, you will know why. Ha! Ha!
He may get bored with my talk of you too. I love you so much.
Each second as time grows short my heartbeats faster. I feel that sometimes
it will explode before I see you again.
Time is short and reality is beginning to set in. All the “what ifs”,
have crossed my mind these past days but I continue to hold on to my dreams.
I know your love for me will steer you in the right direction. That
is the only reality I know. That same reality has allowed me to sleep
well at nights, as I will again tonight. I love you with all of my
heart. Kiss me in your dreams.
Your Love, Sue
Hours had passed and I had read the remaining letters except one. I
went to check on her and we were alone. Joni had taken mom and dad
to our house. I stood beside the bed telling Sue how much I loved her,
what she meant to me, and asking her to forgive me many times over.
I cried each time, looking at what I had done to her.
“I have finally read all the letters but one. I thought it would be
fitting to read it with you by my side,” I whispered to her as I opened the
envelope and began reading.
August 3,1970, 10:05 pm.
My Dearest Love,
Once again, I write with tears in my eyes and my heart profound with fear.
Those cruel thoughts continue to creep into my mind as I fight them away.
What would I do if fate took you from me? I’m certain then, if it weren’t
for Jay, life would have no meaning. The enduring love and joy that
I carry each day outweigh these instances but they sometimes have a great
effect on my heart. I say this with all my love. If it weren’t
for our son, I wouldn’t want to endure life without you. However, I
know I must for his sake. I must watch over your son, as I must overcome
my own pain. He deserves only to see the joy in my heart for having
loved you. My promise to you is that if anything were to happen to
you, I’ll love him for both of us. If that were our fate, know that
wherever you’re I have loved you more than life.
My Endless Love, Sue
I fell to my knees beside her bed weeping, knowing that in the end, she had
more courage than I did. Nevertheless, in my heart, I’ll have taken
her life and in my mind, nothing had changed.
Each time the nurse came in, she would tell me to rest. I would smile
at her not answering. I would shower and shave each morning and night
for almost three days without sleep until I sat in the chair and fell asleep
exhausted. I awoke six hours later and was angry with myself for falling
asleep. I had no idea who may have come and gone. Looking at
my watch it was one thirty am. I remained awake until ten o’clock the
following night when I fell asleep again in the chair.
The nurse awoke me two hours later saying she saw movement when Sue shifted
her leg. I stood hours watching for any movement myself. A little
after six that morning I was kneeling with my head lying next to her and
my eyes partially open when I saw her looking at me. I stood up with
tears beginning to run down my face and I leaned over to kissed her.
I could see a grim smile but she couldn’t talk because of the head bandages.
I kept telling her I loved her and she would crack a smile sometimes.
“Can you feel anything? Can you move your hands or feet?” I asked.
She slowly moved each hand and her legs slightly. I smiled and said
how great that was. She smiled back and fell asleep. That morning
her mom, dad along with our families saw her and was as happy as I was to
see her move. The doctor was impressed with her. In a few days,
he would remove most of the bandages on her face and she should be able to
talk but very little.
Joni told me that during the past three days all of our friends had come
by to see Sue and me. I remember now telling her that I didn’t want
to talk to anyone, regardless. She understood my frame of mind and
protected me from having to explain what had happened. She and I knew
someone would ask.
I went down the stairway out the entrance of the emergency room to smoke
as usual, avoiding everyone. Joni was the only one I would talk to,
she only, knowing all the circumstances. I wanted to stay in the room
with Sue, but if I did, some of her family wouldn’t get to visit. I
smoked a half pack of cigarettes waiting for Joni to let me know everyone
had seen Sue and I could go back in.
“Jay! Can I talk to you?” Joni asked standing at the door.
“Sure, come on out. Who is in there?”
“All the family and a few friends. Bess and Jen arrived this morning.”
“Are they staying awhile?”
“I don’t know, I think so. They are in the waiting room and said they
are going to take turns staying around and wait on any new developments.
“No matter. They have all the right in the world to be here. Something would be wrong if they didn’t stay.”
“I did something that I hope you wouldn’t mind,” she said putting her hand on my wrist.
“You told them I had gone crazy,” I said, smiling.
“Almost. Mom and dad said they couldn’t understand why you were avoiding
the family. I told them you were upset but they said everyone is.
You left your Will on the table and I let them read it hoping they would
understand how you felt. Did I do wrong?”
“No. I left you holding the bag and I’m sorry.”
“Jay, they are hurting too. Mom and dad want all of us to be together
now. They love you and want to share their pain with you. Dad
broke down crying when he read your Will. He told mom you were going
to kill yourself if anything happened to Sue. He assured her that you
would. He knows how much you love her. Please Jay. Come
in and talk to them,” she begged.
“The Doctor told me that nothing is for sure right now even though she’s
awake sometimes. I’ll be sweet and see them but I want you to know
that nothing will change if anything happens to Sue,” I explained.
“I understand. By the way, I told all of them that Sue had gotten sick
and you were taking her home but you went back to get her purse. I
didn’t know what else to say. Is that alright with you?”
“Sure, whatever. Like I said, I left you holding the bag.”
We walked back in the building together and I went to see Sue before going
to the waiting room. Sue’s mom and dad were holding her hand as I walked
in.
Mom rushed over to hug me. “Jay we love you. Stay near us,” she said crying.
“I will mom. Has she been awake any?”
“A couple of times but not for long.” Dad said.
“I’m sorry I have been avoiding everyone but I know you understand why.”
“I understand why but I don’t agree with you Jay.” Dad said.
“Lets focus on Sue right now,” I said, walking to her bed changing the subject.
I took Sue’s hand as mom and dad stood on either side of me with their arms
over my shoulders. I leaned over kissing her hand. It was all
that was showing because of the cast on her arm. We stood looking at
her a while silent.
“Has everyone made it down?” I asked.
“Yes, I believe they are all in the waiting room.” Mom answered.
“I’m going out to see them. I’ll be back in a while.”
“Go ahead son. They’ve been asking to see you.” Dad said.
I walked down to the waiting room and as I entered they all looked at me.
I walked over to them and we all hugged and greeted one another crying.
“Where are Sammy, Josh and Mickey?” I asked looking around and wiping my eyes.
“They are at your house with most of your family cooking dinner for everyone.” Taylor said.
“Are all of you staying at the house?” I asked.
“Doug and I are staying at the Ramada with our wives.”
Taylor answered.
I saw Bess and Jen sitting in the corner and walked to them. I knelt
down and laid my face in Jen’s lap as Bess knelt with me and cried.
A few minutes later, I stood and joined the others.
“We have been worrying about you Jay.” Genie stated.
“It’s been rough but I’m fine.” We all sat talking for a while.
“Joni said you haven’t slept in four days. You must be tired.” Lisa said.
“Joni has been my best friend lately. I catnap from time to time that she doesn’t know about.”
“Come home and eat dinner with us and get a good nights rest.” Genie said.
“I can’t leave Sue. Thank you though,” I replied.
“Come on, one of us will stay with her.” JJ stated.
“I better stay with her,” I replied.
“Do you need anything?” Genie asked.
“No thanks, Joni has been taking care of everything. That reminds me,
Joni, don’t forget to cut the men a check and have them ready by tomorrow
afternoon. You’re authorized to sign the checks.”
“I’ll have them ready Jay,” she replied.
“Joni! The big CEO!” Ray joked.
“No, right now she’s still one step down,” I said, to encourage Joni. They all hit on Ray for teasing Joni as we laughed.
“When can I go to work for you Jay?” Lisa asked.
“The day you finish college there will be a job waiting, if you want it.
I promise. Right Joni!” I said, poking Ray and laughing.
“That very day!” Joni affirmed.
“I need to go back in to see Sue. I’ll see all of you later,” I said, hugging all of them again.
When I re-entered her room Mom was sitting in the chair and dad was standing next to her holding her hand.
“Are you all right mom?” I asked walking over to her.
“No Jay, I’m not! James and I don’t understand you. What would
you prove by doing what you’re thinking? We know you love her and Sue
would go crazy knowing you would do something like that. What about
your kids?”
“You two are the greatest parents anyone could have. I love both of you so much for giving me Sue.”
“Jay! Don’t be disrespectful by patronizing.” Dad said with a firm voice.
“Sir, I would never be disrespectful to you and mom. I was simply trying
to change the subject by stating a fact. Everything that is good about
Sue comes from both of you. Sir, do you know I have known Sue almost
seven years and I have never known her say or do a bad thing, “Not one thing!”
I said, and walked over to the bed placing my hand on hers. “I love
her so much,” I said, as I broke down crying.
“We know son,” he replied putting his hand on my shoulder.
The following morning at ten o’clock I met with Doctor Davison.
“Mister Lamour, I don’t have any good news for you today.”
“Give it to me straight Doc!”
“Her condition hasn’t changed. The fact is it looks like we are going to have to take her back to surgery.”
“What is the problem?”
“The scan we did last night shows another fluid buildup. We are going
to do another Cat-Scan shortly and if it doesn’t show anything positive we’re
going back in,” he explained with what seemed to be fear in his eyes.
“Bottom line Doc,” I asked breathing deeply preparing myself for his answer.
“It doesn’t look good,” he again had that look in his eyes but this time he turned his head avoiding looking at me.
I clasped my hand on his arm. “Look in my eyes Doc. Don’t mince
words with me. I asked you for the bottom line,” I said, in a way he
could see that I wanted the truth.
“If she makes it through the day it will be a miracle.”
“That’s all I wanted was your honest opinion Doc. Thanks,” I again
said with a calm voice. “I know you and everyone else have done everything
possible and I want you to know I appreciate you.”
After her scan, they brought her back to her room. Her mom and dad came in just after.
“What did the Doctor have to say?” Mom asked. I looked at them
discerning whether to tell them the truth. I knew it would be harder
for them to except if they had any expectations.
“Mom, Dad, we need to prepare ourselves. She’s getting worse,” I said,
as we stood looking at Sue and holding each other. I was holding Sue’s
hand and praying, asking God to give me another chance with her. They
were silent also. I felt they were praying too.
Suddenly without warning, the monitors went crazy making identifiable noises.
Mom and dad looked around waiting for someone to rush in and revive her.
We knew her heart had failed.
“I love you!” I said, and let go of her hand as a team rushed in.
I turned and walked out unnoticed. I calmly walked down the stairwell
to my car. Joni had left it for me hoping I might eat dinner one evening
with the family. As I drove home, I knew everyone would be surprised
to see me so I needed to act calm. I would go directly to my bedroom
closet where I kept my forty-five. I would make some excuse saying
I needed to go out to the shop for something. I would lock the door
behind me, go to the makeshift desk I had built and sit in the chair then
pull the trigger.
I pulled along side the curb for lack of parking space in the driveway.
I walked up to the door opening and entered. Several of them saw me
and looked surprised.
“What is the latest word?” Taylor asked.
“Everything is fine. I’ll see you in a minute, I need to go to the bathroom,” I said, walking directly to my room.
I opened my bedroom door and saw Genie sitting on the edge of my bed talking on the phone.
“Hi Jay. Is everything alright?”
“Yes, I’m just getting something out of the closet,” I said, calmly entering
the large walk-in. I took the gun down and stuck it in my pants under
my shirt concealing it so no one would see. I turned the closet light
out and walked out, at the same time Genie was saying she had to go to whoever
she was speaking. She stopped me halfway down the hall wanting to talk.
I heard the phone ringing asking her in a calm voice to answer it hoping
to avoid any conversation. She turned back to answer it, as I walked
through the den and out the sliding door. No one asked where I was
going as I walked out to the shop entering the door and closing it behind
me. I pulled the pistol out cocking it as I walked to the chair.
Just as I sat, I pointed the gun at my head and at the same time hearing
my name screamed.
“Jay! Jay!” The garage door slammed open.
“She’s alive Jay! She’s alive, don’t do it! Genie screamed. I hesitated being surprised.
She looked at me as I held the gun to my head. She walked slowly toward
me with fear in her face. “Please Jay, they brought her back,” she
said with a calm voice. I laid the gun on the desk, lowering my face
into my hands and began crying. She knelt putting her arms around me
and cried out. “Why Jay? Why?”
“I won’t live without her!”
Ending The Search!
A year later, I was at her Families reunion in the back yard standing in
front of the grill talking to Taylor and eating a hotdog.
“Jay, have you seen the kids?” Sue asked, walking up to me.
“They went in the house with Lisa,” I answered, putting my arm around her
as we walked toward the house. I finished my hotdog and I stopped,
putting my hand on her stomach. “You are so beautiful, as always, but
do you think we should have another baby right now?” I asked being
concerned, only for her health.
“It’s just is a little late to be asking that!” She replied as we smiled and continued walking.
THE END
Wings As Eagles
A Love Story
Authors Note: LH, I sure would like to have your email address to shoot the breeze. Return to Home Page
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